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2013 has come without haste and now it's time for me to reminisce about 2012 until I fall asleep.

The beginning of 2012 brought and end to a two month trial relationship and my final real slutty moment, short sweet and awkward it came (not literally) and went, and afterward I moved on to more stable relationships and a brighter future. I proved myself at work and gained responsibilities as each month passed.  Lovers came and went with the seasons.

I first found myself enamored with a tall, humorous jerry seinfeld doppleganger. We danced as much as we laughed, and witnessed beautiful riverside sunsets. Spent the night in a dirty ol' bus and had uncomfortable breakfasts with mom. Beach trips and salty kisses. We were an hour apart but he still found ways to keep me excited and infatuated, namely prank calling into my work on busy nights and shroom/alcohol induced "ithinkiloveyous." We promised each other we got together just for fun, yet I was still foolishly hopeful for the future. A couple months of this went by, but as his month-long trip to leave the country approached, our fun faded. Although he talked of the summer and how sweet and simple it would make things after his return, I wouldn't see him again for quite some time. The rest of the year played out and reunited our lips again a handful of times, but looking back all that really had happened was that he gained weight and I grew up.

This is the period of my year when things became overwhelmingly complicated. After my dear honey had left the country, my best friend and roommate at the time had gotten out of a long term relationship. I will openly admit that I had always had a school-girl crush on him, even dating back to when I was in high school. We had already gotten very close from living together, and it felt so natural to fall into something together. It was rather short lived, however, as I took extreme caution in dealing with both of our feelings. Deciding the best thing we could do was wait, each day my heart felt heavier and heavier knowing that I could not be with him the way I longed for. I developed a serious dependency on alcohol. I was embarrassed and ashamed but it was the only coping mechanism I had, other than hooking up with my ex. I was sure that I was in love, but was forced to suppress my feelings until enough time had passed for him to truly get over his breakup. Eventually time passed on and I realized that we were just meant to be friends in this lifetime.

In the middle of this heartbreak, a kind gentle dreamy man fell into my heart and helped, if even only a little, me cheer up and try to move on. I cared for him a great deal and knew the feeling was mutual. We danced and played music together and had common values and goals. It was simple and sweet, but I still felt love in my heart for someone else. Things started to take a turn for the more romantic, and even though I appreciated every soft kiss we shared I knew it wasn't fair to him to fall for a girl whose heart is in another place. For once in my life, I said that "it's a bad time/i'm not ready for a relationship/cliche bullshit excuse not to date someone" and honest-to-god meant it. I regret this decision to this day a great deal. Looking back, I feel like we could have been something spectacular, but as time went on and I settled my woes, he had since moved on and it was too late for us to be much of anything. I can't blame myself for how I felt back then, but now I feel like I've lost a friend and an opportunity at happiness.

Soon after, a friend of mine set me up with a blonde hair blue eyed french canadian QT. I had met him once before after playing a show together in Gainesville, where after my set he came up to me (dressed as a cowboy) and told me that that was the sexiest thing he'd ever seen. We ended up meeting on a warm damp Florida evening on our friends' ranch. We seemed to really hit it off under the stars around the campfire, and after we exchanged numbers we talked every day. There was a two hour car ride between us, but he was the first guy to say that he was going to come visit me in daytona or see one of my shows and actually come through. For this I will be forever grateful. We walked along the world's most famous beach and kissed behind a sunset in a lifeguard tower, which was apparently the most romantic thing he'd ever experienced (which, you know, it's up there for me too). He was loud and talented and wild and to the point and I loved every bit of it. For sure, he was a terrible influence. When I would visit him, if we weren't wasted by 3pm something was wrong. For me it was all about having pure and simple fun. He liked me and I didn't have to worry about it. I woke up to a goodmorning text every day and had someone to say goodnight to. We both made solid efforts to visit eachother as much as we could. Then I dropped my phone in a toilet at a gig in Orlando that his band was supposed to play at, but he never made it out to. I had no phone for about 2 weeks, and when I finally got one again things were not the same. He seemed excited at first to hear from me again, but the goodmorning texts puttered out like an old cars exhaust and our final words were drunk 2am texts that went unanswered. I tried contacted him several times after, with no response. I actually still haven't heard from him, so naturally I am still bitter about the whole situation. Through everything though, I can say that he did me some good. He instilled into me a positive attitude, "if anything can go well, it will," "life is beautiful," "there is nothing to worry about," "you know I'm from hollywood..." ... mantras that I still find myself repeating.

Immediately after he stopped talking to me, I was back with my long-term ex, who, as I mentioned, I had been seeing periodically throughout the year. Sometimes I felt like nothing could keep us apart. Sure, he cheated on his girlfriend with me and made endless false promises, but even though the circumstances were totally fucked, we would still be together in some way. Sometimes we would be together for a night, others we would spend every day for weeks together. I would leave in the morning and his mother would be in the kitchen baking cookies and giving me tear-filled hugs. 2012 turned what we had of a relationship into something different than it was in 2011, though. This time we actually went out together and did things. He did things to show he cared for me. Eventually he grew to be affectionate in public. There was a few dramatic nights/fights involving my roommate and him and I. A very confusing and emotional time in my life. Drunken split decisions at 3am to drive to his house half an hour away just to say sorry and feel the warmth of his arms. Without word or warning, he would always resort to fading off for weeks at a time.

For about two weeks in autumn, my best friend's brother, a dear friend of my own, came into town. We spent many late night walks along the docks of the river and shores of the beach talking and exploring and becoming closer than ever. It was a very strange time for me, and it put me in a weird place for weeks following his departure. I can't fully explain the nature of our relationship or the intimate nature of our beings without coming off as insane or even unstable, but I can say that he did, in a way, enlighten and inspire me. After he finally left, I immediately comforted the emptiness he left by seeing my ex once again.

We spent the night together after a long night in st. augustine celebrating our friend's birthday. It was fun and he was kind, a week later we saw eachother again. The two of us thrifted at all of our old shops and made plans to see eachother again in the evening. Evening came and he was unresponsive. I took this time to brainlessly read through old love notes from the three years we were together in high school. My father came into see what was wrong after he'd heard me sobbing from the other room. The next day I contacted him to meet up, I was only seeking comfort. He politely declined. It was the final straw. With the help and encouragement from my soulmate and true best friend, I made the decision to cut all contact with him. I sent him a kind message explaining the situation, and deleted him from facebook and, ultimately, my life.

It's been almost three months since that day and I can't say I think of him any less or feel any better about myself or my place in this world than I did then. Hopefully time will heal all.

2012 brought my brother and I together twice, once in the north and once in the south. I am so grateful for those two weeks. Not a day goes by where I don't miss him and being able to spend time with him again after two years was the best part of my year.

The year also proved to be very fruitful for Casanova Frankenstein. It's really funny, too, because without the band I wouldn't have met any of the men I found myself with all year. With gigs up to every week, we were traveling the state and having fun doing it. Progression wasn't our main interest, honestly my main goal was to have people dance and have a good time to our music, which was definitely accomplished.

I can't say that 2012 was a good year, but it was definitely an eye opener. I learned a lot about myself and relationships, about music and goals. I drank a lot and cried often, but was fortunate enough to have a solid support system of friends and family to help me through it. Moving out of the house brought my father and I closer together than ever.

Though 2013 has gotten off to a rocky/mundane/depressed start, I am hopeful and excited for the future. I have big plans to save my money and move to the city that I've wanted to live in since I was a child. I am determined to make my own music and share it with friends. School is in my future. Hopefully love will be as well?

only time will tell man only time will tell.