I realize I am a young woman, but for my age I've had a respectable and diverse history of relationships. However, I still find myself falling in love far too easily. Whether I am dating someone or not, thoughts and fantasies of our love consume my mind to a near obsessive amount. It's very upsetting, one reason being it's completely ridiculous to incessantly fawn over something that isn't even real, and the other reason being rejection hits far too hard. Rejection that isn't even rejection. The mere thought of rejection. I try to be mature and independent, but deep down I am just a school girl with a big fat crush.
I'm not sure what direction my life is heading at the moment. As I stated, I've been trying to make my dreams and ambitions of my own independence become a reality, and it certainly seems to be working out. But where do I go from here? I am still just as unproductive and unmotivated as ever.
And just as romantically confused.
I wish there was some way I could completely detach myself from romantic feelings as, cliche as it be, it only leads to heartbreak and disappointment. At least right now. I feel like I am at an age where any relationship I walk into will inevitably fall apart as quickly as it came to be. But is that why I don't want to be in one? I'll never know.
This is what I think about. I think and think and only act when relations are meaningless or induced by alcohol. My train of thought is trailing off but isn't that what journals are about idfk...

all I know is none of my dream men will ever love me back, so I must ignore my feelings and speak of them to no one ever again and I guess just flirt with my middle school boyfriend some more...... -_-

i was only a girl,
not a sin to my name,
then I met you,
and you set my heart aflame

we chatted and LOLed,
on AIM and myspace,
you made me feel clever,
we argued over eachother’s Top 8

your playful jokes,
my painful reality,
your new adult problems,
my new teenage sexuality

as we both grew older,
i called any chance you could meet me,
for I was finally legal,
no longer your Loli

but my chance never came,
and I wait for it still,
your witchy ways and confusion,
only strengthens my will

you say i’ll never be old enough,
but one day you’ll be mine,
because we both know now,
you wont end up on Date Line

~thinking of u~

moving these to a more sekret place...

our faces burned in the winter flames,
you led me inside,
we smiled and laughed,
in a hallway barely 2 bodies wide

i tried to keep my cool,
you said you liked my boots,
“wow tell me more” I said,
as you spoke of your foreign roots

hours passed by,
no more beer in our cups,
conversation was still strong,
your phone rang, “5 minutes?”, you hung up

you asked for a kiss,
how could I say no,
we searched for privacy,
before you had to go

finding no rooms empty,
only the bathroom scum,
as we swallowed our pride,
i swallowed your cum

~thinking of u~

short but sweet

i can't remember when we met,
or the first time you made me smile
i can't remember our first words,
but it's certainly been a while

i thought you were adorable,
but only a friend of a friend
now you're sending me shirtless pics,
i wish they would never end

live covering republican debates,
what are you talking about
honestly i'll never care to understand,
so can't we please just make out

so smart and mysterious,
you even made me a mix CD,
naturally I can't help but wonder;
are all the songs about me?

playful shimmies and guitar riffs,
one time you almost set my house on fire
you sellecked my heart one tweet at a time,
yet you're the true Magnum P.I. desire

i want to make out with your face

~thinking of you~

basically I still hate everything about you and I realize I will never move on if you are still a part of my life so maybe it's better that you are encouraging your bullshit relationship instead of continuing to cheat on your girlfriend with me but idk who knows ha that's life I guess