There are certain people you meet and figure out real quickly that the two of you are going to one day bump uglies. I found this in you~

I imagined it would eventually happen, but not in such a way as it has. It's difficult to describe the details of my feelings as I'm not sure I yet understand them. I am young!

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about a certain bond people such as myself share with others. A magnetizing force that seeks and finds others of the same nature, creating a strong connection in the most natural way. I believe it has something to do with soul mates and love and finding out who you are through others. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing because it's discouragingly rare yet so special. I've only experienced this with a handful of people, each one holding a heavy part of my soul.

It's depressing to live each day without soul or purpose, to feel lost or misunderstood.

I am young!

I will figure things out.

It has been a refreshing week, indeed.

confessions of a coward

I'm sure I will never know whether you were disappointed or relieved in realizing I wasn't joining in on movie night. It really doesn't matter either way, but I certainly couldn't bare to sit there while the two of you fought through old feelings while I, myself, fought silently with new ones. Tense! I don't mean to sound like an insecure drag, but how could I sit there, plain and boring, with my wet hair and boyish pajamas, while she sits with her head erect, her dainty limbs, her perfect features. No thanks!

I'd like to believe you're still harboring feelings of love and interest for me, but as each day goes on I'm afraid those feelings fade farther and farther away. Soon they will be nearly gone, erased into a hazy memory you'll one day regret. (Signed: Yours Truly, A. Pessimist)

As for me, my feelings have only grown undoubtedly stronger. Each passing day, my thoughts and dreams are filled with those of you. Emotions come to me that I find hard to understand. Other fawning men provide little distraction, and end up getting me into even bigger messes (hardly worth it). I find it impossible to express myself, though I realize it is important for me to do so, and soon. But how? Love is messy and awkward. It is much easier to sweep it under the rug.

It seems foolish to be so concerned about all this when, after all, it was only about a weeks time we were romantically involved-- at least openly. I know I love you, but I am still trying to figure out in what way. I have loved you for all you've done for me, and for the joy you bring into my life, and for the person you are for the months and years that I have known you. Especially this year, moving in with you and spending so much time together, it's been unbelievably fun. Thinking about it brings the greatest warm and fuzzy feelings so many people long for. It's strange to think that I have loved you through every bad movie, every late night laughing and laughing and laughing, every Thirsty Thursday, every home-cooked meal (I think there were about two, maybe three...), and every kitten born. But until recently, that love was an understood love, a platonic love of friendship and kindness, for obvious reasons.

Now that I am basically allowed to have romantic feelings for you, ones that I have put away ever since we first met, I find myself asking the same question every day: once romance is added to the love I already have, does it mean I am automatically in love with you? But if I was in love, wouldn't I just know? But then, I think to myself, perhaps not seeing as I'm still so scarred from a past relationship. Scarred and scared. Over-analytical!

I can't even begin to tell you how difficult the past month or so has been. No matter how much time I spend at my father's, these thoughts still consume me. Every moment I glance at you through the open kitchen doorway, I feel myself sigh. When I get home and you aren't there, my mind races of all the things you could be doing. It's none of my business! (, she painfully tells herself.) I constantly desire to be in your presence, even if it means falling asleep on the couch instead of my bed where I could easily stumble my tired body into. What I'm meaning to say is, having to be around you so often and not being able to interact with you the way that I'd really like to, not being able to have the kind of relationship I desire with you, is very hard.

Which brings me to the realization of ages: what is the kind of relationship I desire? Though I am still sorting through thoughts and feelings of what I truly want out of all this, one thing remains obvious; I want to be with you. I can honestly say that this is the first time since being "single" that I find myself wanting a relationship, rather than just falling into one or another. I don't know if I'm ready, and certainly realize you are not, but I am almost sure I am willing to risk it.

In a lot of ways, you are my best friend. You know more about me than most. I feel confident telling you things, knowing I don't have to worry about any kind of judgement from your way. I'm comfortable in our silence. I think you are so unbelievably funny and definitely have no problem joking and laughing with you! I like to think that I've had some influence on you since I moved in, too. I'm not afraid to tell you what I don't like or agree with, either, which I think is important in any friendship. Being around you feels so natural and comfortable.

I don't plan to go on about all the qualities I admire and enjoy about you, though it'd be a long, well-deserved list. I find it unnecessary because although it's definitely a combination of both, it's not about who you are so much as how you make me feel. Which sounds a bit selfish in a weird sort of way. But really, you can't have one without the other. At any rate, the point is I really, genuinely like and admire you as a person for too many reasons to name.

I'm sure I'll read this later and shake my head at my own stupidity, but I figure it's one of the only ways to ease my restless mind in order to get some sleep.

Why couldn't this be simple?

fond memories of you, too

•  meeting your red whiskered face
• watching you perform for the first time as a band
• watching you perform for the first time as a man
• feelings of warmth and comfort
• long hugs after long disappointments
• dancing on your birthday
• the whole bar singing me happy birthday because of you
• eating hippie food by the beach, sharing memories and values
• realizing your fame
• romaine lettuce in the fish tank
• sweaty post-show hugs
• smiling to a perfect mix tape

fond memories of you 2

• music at thomas's house
• the first show i went to at "the coffee connection" 
• playing one at the real coffee connection
• moving day
• staying up until 5am laughing and laughing and laughing
• trading buddhas
• freak show at the fair
• HAUSU
• every conversation about work
• this post
• selling band merch 4 the boys
• christopher's beans
• busking and busking
• watching you dunk on kim
• that day our lives were an indie movie
• traveling the state to play all kinds of shows
• bad decisions from the library
• confiding in you my sorrows
• the kiss i'd waited years for
• being in your arms all night

fond memories of you

• the first time we danced
• when you were always drunk in my mind
• prank calls into my work
• first sunset on the river; farts and kisses
• second sunset on the river; keyboards n approaching boats
• dancing outside the car, only lit by its headlights
• slow dancing to the sweet sounds of the golden oldies
• pre-show smooches in the car
• boy meets world with mom
• falling asleep in your arms on a dirty ol' bus 
• waking up the next morning...
• 4am inspirations to write a killer song 
• jmoca
• sandy shadows and perfect seashells

easily falls into depression

s/o 2 ma honey

I want to know everything about you; about your friends and family and where you grew up, about your dreams and goals and where you want to be in 10 years, funny stories from high school and embarrassing middle school memories, your favorite beer and color and animal and artist, annoying shit your boss does and what you do when you have no inspiration, how you handle conflicts and awkward moments when you’re alone with a chatty stranger.
Sometimes people just leave such a grand impression on you even if you’ve met them less times than you can count on one hand.

you are a faggot and I hate u

nuff said

it's basically this

I hate the internet and I hate that I am a part of it

like ok I know people say this all the time

but no bullshit, I don't give a fuck what 90% of the people on earth think of me.
the great Neil of Genovese's shared his philosophy with me and I really agree with it

simply put:
you're not family,
you're not sleeping with me,
& you don't sign my pay checks
then I don't give a fuck about anything you could possibly have to say

I just get really bitter and lost about this generation and the people I am surrounded by and i could probably count on my fingers all the people that I do value and care what they think
idk I'm just like sick of tumblr and like being associated with the internet but facebook is so convenient and tumblr is always there when I'm bored so what is a girl supposed to do you know

I realize I am a young woman, but for my age I've had a respectable and diverse history of relationships. However, I still find myself falling in love far too easily. Whether I am dating someone or not, thoughts and fantasies of our love consume my mind to a near obsessive amount. It's very upsetting, one reason being it's completely ridiculous to incessantly fawn over something that isn't even real, and the other reason being rejection hits far too hard. Rejection that isn't even rejection. The mere thought of rejection. I try to be mature and independent, but deep down I am just a school girl with a big fat crush.
I'm not sure what direction my life is heading at the moment. As I stated, I've been trying to make my dreams and ambitions of my own independence become a reality, and it certainly seems to be working out. But where do I go from here? I am still just as unproductive and unmotivated as ever.
And just as romantically confused.
I wish there was some way I could completely detach myself from romantic feelings as, cliche as it be, it only leads to heartbreak and disappointment. At least right now. I feel like I am at an age where any relationship I walk into will inevitably fall apart as quickly as it came to be. But is that why I don't want to be in one? I'll never know.
This is what I think about. I think and think and only act when relations are meaningless or induced by alcohol. My train of thought is trailing off but isn't that what journals are about idfk...

all I know is none of my dream men will ever love me back, so I must ignore my feelings and speak of them to no one ever again and I guess just flirt with my middle school boyfriend some more...... -_-

i was only a girl,
not a sin to my name,
then I met you,
and you set my heart aflame

we chatted and LOLed,
on AIM and myspace,
you made me feel clever,
we argued over eachother’s Top 8

your playful jokes,
my painful reality,
your new adult problems,
my new teenage sexuality

as we both grew older,
i called any chance you could meet me,
for I was finally legal,
no longer your Loli

but my chance never came,
and I wait for it still,
your witchy ways and confusion,
only strengthens my will

you say i’ll never be old enough,
but one day you’ll be mine,
because we both know now,
you wont end up on Date Line

~thinking of u~

moving these to a more sekret place...

our faces burned in the winter flames,
you led me inside,
we smiled and laughed,
in a hallway barely 2 bodies wide

i tried to keep my cool,
you said you liked my boots,
“wow tell me more” I said,
as you spoke of your foreign roots

hours passed by,
no more beer in our cups,
conversation was still strong,
your phone rang, “5 minutes?”, you hung up

you asked for a kiss,
how could I say no,
we searched for privacy,
before you had to go

finding no rooms empty,
only the bathroom scum,
as we swallowed our pride,
i swallowed your cum

~thinking of u~

short but sweet

i can't remember when we met,
or the first time you made me smile
i can't remember our first words,
but it's certainly been a while

i thought you were adorable,
but only a friend of a friend
now you're sending me shirtless pics,
i wish they would never end

live covering republican debates,
what are you talking about
honestly i'll never care to understand,
so can't we please just make out

so smart and mysterious,
you even made me a mix CD,
naturally I can't help but wonder;
are all the songs about me?

playful shimmies and guitar riffs,
one time you almost set my house on fire
you sellecked my heart one tweet at a time,
yet you're the true Magnum P.I. desire

i want to make out with your face

~thinking of you~

basically I still hate everything about you and I realize I will never move on if you are still a part of my life so maybe it's better that you are encouraging your bullshit relationship instead of continuing to cheat on your girlfriend with me but idk who knows ha that's life I guess